How did you become a sub ?

Comment tu es devenue une soumise

You went through a number of stages before ending up on my site and considering  the possibility of becoming my submissive slave. And you are probably now between stages 4 and 5. (before you would not dare, after you would not need...)

I will recapitulate briefly for you the different stages you went through in order to let you understand what to expect next.

Your  stage 1: the initial (discovery) stage where you found out about your submissive feelings

You either discovered in a very early stage your feelings and emotions, related to your submissiveness or they appeared after having gone through a rough period in your life, like a divorce for instance. If the later is the case, it is probably caused by the fact that such events caused you to evaluate your own person as well as your environment. These feelings almost always had sexual connotations and may have coincided with the general development of your sexuality.

Now, strictly speaking, no woman is 100% submissive or 100% dominant and you probably feel both ends of the scale at different times. Being here, on this page, is that your tendency is evolving towards the submissiveness end of the scale. Though it does not necessarily mean that it will remain the same after a few months (or years) of submissiveness with the right Dominant partner.

This stage 1 was quite often marked by uncertainty.

Stage 2: The fear-stage

The uncertainty plus social factors such as upbringing, religion and education combined with the social taboo, the general lack of information on the subject, social prejudice and a shortfall in the general sexual education, might have lead you to a fear about your feelings and emotions and may lead you (or have lead you) to shorter or longer periods of seclusion.

In this stage, as a submissive you might have thought that you are the only one with feelings like this and in almost all cases you have not talked about them. You might have searched discretely for information, or just hidden and at the same time, secretly nurture your feelings.

To you, these feelings have not been identified as "wrong", but as positive and special and most of all "your own", in spite of the direct conflict with general social, legal aspects and politically correct behavior.

A woman in modern society is not supposed to be submissive or weak and those who nurture fantasies of rape, kidnapping, etcetera are often seen by other women as a danger to their gender.

Stage 3: The "first steps stage" where you have started to experiment (with yourself), read, and searched for information

Even as you have kept your fantasies and dreams to yourself, you might have started to experiment, probably on yourself, often actively incorporating both the dominant and submissive roles in themselves. You would have started to look for more information. Most often this "information" was strongly related to your fantasies (i.e. searching for books and stories about these, as well as pictures).

This usually was the stage where you discovered that there are others like you. If you could not contact them directly, the general line of thought was "there must be more, otherwise they wouldn't write these books, magazines, stories and make these pictures, drawings and videos". Finding out about others sharing the same feelings was probably a relief at this stage, but might also have been frightening at the same time. For this reason it probably took you a while before you actually started to look for others to talk to or for a partner.

Stage 4: Where you are trying to find others: this is where you probably are today

Actually, Stage 3 usually triggers Stage 4, where you probably are now. You have started an active search for others that share the same feelings or are willing to. If this is happening within an existing relationship the major problem to the person involved is that there is a large risk to be taken here, since this may (and very often does) break up the relationship. It is known for a fact that because of the risks involved some people tend to stop their development here and go back to nurturing their feelings in secret.

At this stage you may have a problem prioritizing BDSM as a part of your entire life. Three different priority problems may occur: 

• Your actual partner will either over prioritize these feelings, putting it in front of all other aspects of a relationship and over idealizing it at the same time;

• You might have problems for a long time with the balance between your everyday life, trying to be one person at one time and another person at another time. Submissive women are especially known to have problems with their different roles as either mother, career person and submissive;

• Another problem, very specific to submissive women, is prioritizing ideals. On one hand you want to be self-confident and strong. On the other hand there are these submissive emotions, that seem to conflict directly with that.

These priority problems, especially over prioritizing, have lead you to disappointments and disillusionment, for example not being able to find a partner or overdoing it towards an existing partner. As a submissive women in this stage you might be vulnerable to an abusive relationship. Check the word abuse.

Stage 5: The reconciliation stage, where you come to grips with your fantasies and start to understand them

At this stage a lot of information has been gathered, things have been tried out and in some way a partner, or others to share with, has been found. The person involved should now start to understand what is happening inside your mind.

A major factor here is that only now you will start to be recognized by the BDSM community, if you decide to enter this community. You will immediately be identified as "novice", when, in fact, you would be quite experienced with the submissive emotions and merely just lack of a "public" experience.

The disillusionments from Stage 4 will now be a part of the learning curve. I use plural here, because the majority of submissive women go through more then one relationship (sometimes very short ones) and other BDSM experiences before finding the right partner and environment.

Stage 6: The partner-search stage (within an existing relationship or finding a new one - most people tend to do mix this up with the third stage)

You might very well have a partner available at this moment, but he has not grown towards the same level of understanding. And it is now time to lick your wounds from previous stages and restart the search for a partner, only better equipped this time. You might have found him here. Remain the fact that I, also, have to accept you. Many ask, but few are welcomed, either because they are not yet ready or they do not "fit" into my mould.

Stage 7: The revolving stage, where you will grow, learn, experiment, grow again, etc

This is the endless stage where the relationship will really start to flourish by experimenting and learning and the start of stage 6 marks the start of a true sub-Dominant relationship with all what it implies.

 Some general remarks

• All submissive women will go through these stages, although individual experiences may be different from the general picture, described here. Some may either skip stages, they may be combined or mixed up.

• The stages usually have no marked beginning or end. A submissive woman will usually flow from one stage to another. Also, there is no specific age.

• There is no specific timeframe for the stages. The entire process may sometimes take many years and some people - due to personal circumstances and abilities - will go through certain stages quicker than others. The amount of access to information, and the ability of a person to find such information, is vital to the speed of the development. Early disillusionments and abuse may bring extra conflicts and will call for more time in certain stages.

• Not all submissive women go through all the stages. Some cease to pursue their BDSM - feelings/interests, and turn away from further development. Sometimes this is the end of BDSM for them, and sometimes it may mark only an interruption, with them picking up the pursuit of their BDSM feelings/interests from months or years or decades later. Fear, or (temporarily) not being able to overcome the social taboo and general coming-out problems are very often at the bottom of this.

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